First let’s define boundaries.
Boundaries help you and others understand where you begin, and another person ends. Setting money boundaries is an act of financial self-care, it is not about changing someone else’s behavior.
Each of us has a limited amount of energy and resources. If we are not mindful of how we use our energy and resources we can pay a heavy price, financially, mentally and physically.
A great way to know if you need to set boundaries is to ask yourself if you hold resentment towards others. Our resentment towards others is a helpful way to measure the health of our boundaries in relationships.
Gabor Mate, author of “The Myth of Normal,” writes that “resentment drives you further away because it will contaminate your love for that person…Resentment can be seen as the residue of things unsaid, feelings not honored.”
Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
1) Do you pay for things (dinner, gifts, travel) and expect an emotional response in return? Are you often disappointed?
2) Do you lend money to family members or friends, not get paid back and/or become uncomfortable asking to be repaid?
3) Do you give to others and not have enough left over to take care of your financial needs? (ex. giving while accruing credit card debt or without having an emergency fund)
4) Do you spend your potential leisure time doing things you don’t want to do for others?
If you said yes to one of the above questions, you could benefit from setting money boundaries. Please note this is a limited list of examples and does not cover all indications boundaries could be important for you.
Gabor also suggests asking yourself, “What do I miss out on in life as a result of my inability to assert myself?”
How To Set Boundaries
1) Honor Your Values
What are your life’s values? Focusing your resources and spending in line with your life’s values, what you find fulfilling, can be very satisfying and reduce the likelihood you will be resentful. Examples of life values are: Health, Freedom, Adventure, Security and Fun.
2) Say It With Me “Boundaries Are Not Selfish”
Financial boundaries are the money equivalent of putting your oxygen mask on first. So many of my clients come to me burnt out, anxious, and overwhelmed by debt and yet also resistant to setting boundaries. They hold the belief that its selfish to say no. We work on accepting that they deserve to be safe and nourished. They come to understand that they can’t truly be of service to others without ensuring their own ability to thrive first. We can help others best from a place of peace and clarity not with the baggage of financial scarcity and resentment.
3) Communicate Your Boundaries
It is important to communicate your boundaries to others during relative calm and not during conflict. Determine what you will do if your boundaries are not honored and communicate the consequences as well.
For example, “I will lend you this money if you pay me back within two weeks. If you do not pay me back in two weeks, I will not be able to lend you money again in the future.” You can be compassionate and also firm. Setting financial boundaries may even cause the other party to develop healthier financial habits for themselves.
4) Follow Through
Remain flexible: Allow space for change. As your relationship with money grows and your financial wellness transforms, give yourself permission to adjust your money boundaries to best serve the current version of you.
